Thank you

Though outside of this world of blogging, this might seem trivial, but receiving this award means alot to me. As you know I am never sure if anyone is ever reading my rants and raves. Just last week I considered stopping and removing all posts of a personal nature.
So a sincere thank you to My Hijab

And now I pass the award on to the following bloggers :

1. Laughing out Loud - for making me laugh til I fall of my chair !

2. Fragrant Rose - for the constant inspiration

3. Stranger in this Dunya - for her outstanding photography

4. Cape Town Revert Forum - for her reporting and food for thought topics

5. My islamic short stories - because I enjoy them so much.

9 years

9 years ago my mommy died (May Allah have mercy on her soul and grant her Jannah Insha'Allah). In these 9 years, I have never earmarked the day. Honestly, I have to check the exact date as I do not have it memorised. Some find that odd, maybe even cold, but for me, that day does not define her.

Being the youngest of 3, and hence the last to attend school, I think I spent the most "alone" time with mommy. I loved our tea-times and lunch times. It was nothing special - not a party or anything, just a fond memory. As was walking in the city, holding her hand. She had the softest touch and the loveliest fingers. I can feel her touch over my head when I am ill, I can feel the rare slap when I was disrespectful. My days are filled with reminders of her as I spend time with my kids. But with each year, the memories reduce, or I think about her less. I pray that whatever good I do or am rewarded for doing in this life, she, as my mother gets part of as well Insha'Allah.

9 years ago ........ It's a bitter sweet memory. I lost the most important person in my life without knowing it until she was gone. But I found the most important One, my Creator, Allah. It's been 9 years since I whole-hearted submitted, covering up and striving to be the best servant and aiming on the promised rewards. For those who haven't embarked on the journey yet - it's not just about wearing a scarf or dressing modestly, it is so much more. The journey of knowledge is endless. But even with all the outward changes and appropriate sayings and actions, the growth gets deeper.
DH had always had a shadow of wisdom I couldn't quite place. It was rare and happened only at the most opportune times. It seems so out of character for him that sometimes he seems surprised himself with what he says. Tonite I realised the wisdom in his words: Islam is not just about the outside, but as much (if not more) about the inside (character).
Perhaps, this night, 9 years later, marks my graduation to a newer, deeper understanding ......
Insha'Allah

12:30pm

For those who are not part of the pick-your-kid-up-in-the-middle-of-the-day club , wait til you get there !

Today was the first day of mid-year break and it was fabulous! Yes, the kids were up before the sun, but there wasn't the usual rush of trying to get cleaned, fed and dressed. However, we still managed to be cleaned, fed and dressed by 9am! But the best part of the day was at 12pm. There was no rush to be somewhere, no rush to complete a task, or thought about starting a task that might run beyond 12pm. As 12pm is generally when I leave home to fetch DD at school. My pre-programmed brain clicked at 11:45, and I realised I had TIME ! Time I don't usually have and I spent it .... with my kids. (Thanks to http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/) I gave them each 10 minutes alone. DS wanted to play with some colourful shapes. DD wanted to play with her fairy dolls. And at the end, there was still some time left over for me ..... I spun around the kitchen trying to figure out what to do with MY time ..... laundry ? start lunch ? NO! I did TAEBO 8 min workout !

Today was a good day ...... Algamdulillah

Lost and found

The problem with knowing who you are is that when you "lose yourself" you know who you are missing ...... you know WHAT you are missing and it makes the battle even harder.
I'm constantly caught between the battle of "real" job and SAHM. I know it is a real job being at home, but the lack of response in the position, makes me feel unappreciated. As if earning a living would make me more worthy.
So once again I embarked on trying to find "a job". Reading extracts from I am Sheba gave me the boost I needed to set a goal and try to achieve it. This one was different to the others, it required me to do a personality test, which I had to pay for. I was reluctant, but curious. Curiosity got the better of me when I was presented with a discounted price for the report.
I didn't really find out anything new about me - like I said, I already knew me. But a few things were made clearer and the big smack on my head came at just the right moment.
Mostly, it opened up dialogue between me and DH, perhaps HE needed to understand me more than I did.
Ironically, I am currently in the worst working environment for my personality type! I thrive on order, logic, structure - and DS is all chaos and confusion for me ! (If he chokes once more I might have an anxiety attack!) Somehow it helps knowing that. Knowing that when I freak out at things, it is because it is against what I am programmed to control.

Perhaps these moments which seem the darkest, are the ones which determine a significant path. And time spent in reflection makes light at the end of the tunnel ......
Or it's just my personality type to over analyse everystep before taking it !
Either way, it's my journey and I have the best first mate for the trip. One who thrives in chaos ..... DH !

Pussycat, pussycat where have you been ?

I wish I could say "I've been to London to visit the queen", but no I've been busy.
With what ? Just trying to survive life I guess. The past few weeks have just been emotionally draining on me. My constant struggle with housework and finding someone to do it. (It's shocking how many odd people there are out there !) Then the battle of looking after the kids. (And yes, I only have two ... but you know what, those who can handle more, get more. And I think 2 is my limit.... at least THESE two! )
It's been taxing on my body, on my mind and my soul. All of which threw me into a BIG pity party! And those who know me, know that I do not throw those kinds of parties! From my mum's illness then death, to my infertility and other issues, I've never felt self-pity Algamdulillah. But these past few weeks, had me so down ...
My body ached and I needed to get physio or a massage - I had no one to look after the kids at the times available.
My mind has slowly deteriorated simply due to the lack of stimulation !
My soul - my soul ached. It knew the sweet taste of submission, pure submission, not this half-hearted act while distracted by kids!
I knew the cure but was wallowing so deeply in the pity, I couldn't get myself to do anything. (The cold weather didn't help either) Then Algamdulillah I had this moment - don't recall when or what it was, not really important - but I decided to be selfish, not horrible selfish, just enough to take care of me.
First was a wonderful day out with my sisters (blood ones) - had back and foot massages which were heavenly. Then late lunch or early supper of sushi ! It was good! DD was with, but it was good. That just got me started! It was like having a piece of exotic chocolate and you need another piece !
There were hurdles along my path of progress, but by this week I felt I was out of the bog! When DH said he needed to be away for 2 nights for work, I was cool. I'd take charge. I arranged for DD to get a lift in the mornings. Suppers would be simple and I'd prep lunch in the evening.
And slowly it started to unravel.....
Monday , no one came to clean my house. No problem - I'll call the service for Tuesday. I decided NOT to clean up either, as the "new" me would concentrate on what I needed to do which is care for DS.
Tuesday morning - 5am, DH leaves for airport. 6am - I get up and get DD ready for school. 7am - I get a call - DD's lift can't make it ! No problem ...... I'll do it, DS is awake anyway. (Traffic was a shocker back, by the way!) Get home - cleaning service can't make it !!
LONG day with kids. Tried to indulge them to keep them (and me) sane .. about to relax and make magrib salaah - I hear screams and cries. DD's nose is bleeding ! DS hit her in the face with a wooden toy!
Wednesday morning - take DD to school again, DS screams in the car all the way home.
Lady comes to clean - yeah !! Breathe, today will be a good day..... DS and I go out.
Great afternoon playing with the kids - yummy simple supper... bedtime. Kids dressed and ready to be tucked in ...... I put DS in first, walk around to DD's bed - BANG ! CREAK! crying ! I turn , DS is crying and has his hand on his forehead - he must have knocked it .... it's BLEEDING !!! There's a deep HOLE !! Blood is OOZING !! Breathe, breathe, apply pressure .. what ? what ? Call the GP - no answer .. what must I do - he needs stitches right ? Who am I talking to ? No one is here .. no one is HERE !!! Breathe, it's ok ... call dad ...... "Tell Marwaan to take you to the hospital" .. "Marwaan ? He's not here ....... {tears, crack, more tears}. (Ok, that's enough to give you the idea right ?)
OK, so how am I ? Frazzled! I have never felt more crap in my life .... I felt so guilty that he got hurt. I don't know why. I felt SOOO alone and helpless. (Thanks dad and sis for coming around though it REALLY helped.)
When I took DD to school this morning - I took the M5 home so took FOREVER ! DS fell asleep ALGAMDULILLAH (must be the medication), and thought about things .. about life, about now, about this "phase". It's SO hard for me. Algamdulillah DH has the new job, but he's around less, which gives me more to do. Algamdulillah for the lady who cleans my house - even though she has asthma and struggles to get up the hill to my house. Algamdulillah for my kids, but having to be on guard and play ref ALL day is so tiring and I just need a moment for my brain and my heart to rest and not feel guilty and worry that if I took that break, that something bad might happen to one of them.......

So what now ? I stay on the path ... I take a new turn, Insha'Allah one to I AM SHEBA .

Autumn camping !

It's always risky going away in April. Usually Easter weekend is sure to rain. Lately the weather has been on its own course, and even though camping over Easter was so hot DD's nose bled, it had no reflection on what to expect 2 weeks later......

We watched the weather all week, and sure enough each day a storm seemed more and more imminent. A few campers cancelled for various reasons and only the die-hards were left. Wednesday it seemed another family might cancel due to bad flu. Thursday night DH got ILL ! Hectic ill ! He was in pain and ended up in hospital. But he was home by 12am and ready to leave the next day !! I had hoped he would back out, I had earned my bad-weather-camping badge already - I didn't have to go through it again !

Rivierzicht was beautiful! The wooden cabins were like honeymoon suites ! The campsites were BIG and right on the river ! The ablutions were a bit of a walk, but clean. Once again complete bathrooms, so it was spacious. We set-up just before the rain came. Having people in the cabins made it easy to get shelter, but we were all tired and retired pretty early.
The next morning was wet - but a beautiful rainbow greeted us and encouraged me to get out of the tent. The kids were fed and dressed quickly as there wasn't much place to keep them locked in. They were thrilled that they were allowed to play outside! DS went all out - splashing every puddle he could find ! He even rolled in it and got terribly muddy! Since he had brought his car with, he took it on a 4x4 course, dragging it through the wet and muddy terrain!
After breakfast the rain poured a little harder and we took shelter under our canopy. Water would gather on top and then come splashing down - this was great for washing and rinsing the dishes ;-) , but then DS realised he could walk through it too !! Eventually we decided to load everyone in the cars and go to Robertson.
They have lots to offer. We went to the farmers market - which was really great for olive oil and olives ! Good fudge too ;-p We delayed the bird sanctuary for when the Harris boys joined us so went to the Toeka se skou (?) or something like that. It was a fair with people dressed like they were on their way in the ox-wagon in the Great Trek ! Bonnets and all! They dragged out any old machines and cars they had and it seems the guys had the best time! When we returned to the camp, the rest of the campers arrived and that was the start if the camp....
The weather cleared Algamdulillah, I was running out of clean clothes for the kids! We played games, sat around and ate, chatted, bird watched .... our usual lamming and at the end of the weekend we didn't go to the bird sanctuary! But the kids had a great time, there was a boat so they went out on the river. Those left behind started reshaping the coast and used the mud to build a village, with dams, bridges, waterways etc. Eventually it all collapsed !

A definte return, perhaps many more returns Insha'Allah. And of course going to the bird sanctuary.

Oh highlight : I literally crawled out of bed for Fajr salaah. It was pretty cold too ... Shakes called out and asked for a good torch. When I came out he pointed to the top of a tree - there sat a HUGE owl. "woo hoo woo hoo " - it didn't sound like a bird at all - I thought it was a human voice! As it got lighter, he turned and took flight - seeing his wings spread out - he was magnificent to watch! Mash'Allah!!! These moments, these signs of Allah's creation is what it's all about!

photos

Inspiration