Pussycat, pussycat where have you been ?

I wish I could say "I've been to London to visit the queen", but no I've been busy.
With what ? Just trying to survive life I guess. The past few weeks have just been emotionally draining on me. My constant struggle with housework and finding someone to do it. (It's shocking how many odd people there are out there !) Then the battle of looking after the kids. (And yes, I only have two ... but you know what, those who can handle more, get more. And I think 2 is my limit.... at least THESE two! )
It's been taxing on my body, on my mind and my soul. All of which threw me into a BIG pity party! And those who know me, know that I do not throw those kinds of parties! From my mum's illness then death, to my infertility and other issues, I've never felt self-pity Algamdulillah. But these past few weeks, had me so down ...
My body ached and I needed to get physio or a massage - I had no one to look after the kids at the times available.
My mind has slowly deteriorated simply due to the lack of stimulation !
My soul - my soul ached. It knew the sweet taste of submission, pure submission, not this half-hearted act while distracted by kids!
I knew the cure but was wallowing so deeply in the pity, I couldn't get myself to do anything. (The cold weather didn't help either) Then Algamdulillah I had this moment - don't recall when or what it was, not really important - but I decided to be selfish, not horrible selfish, just enough to take care of me.
First was a wonderful day out with my sisters (blood ones) - had back and foot massages which were heavenly. Then late lunch or early supper of sushi ! It was good! DD was with, but it was good. That just got me started! It was like having a piece of exotic chocolate and you need another piece !
There were hurdles along my path of progress, but by this week I felt I was out of the bog! When DH said he needed to be away for 2 nights for work, I was cool. I'd take charge. I arranged for DD to get a lift in the mornings. Suppers would be simple and I'd prep lunch in the evening.
And slowly it started to unravel.....
Monday , no one came to clean my house. No problem - I'll call the service for Tuesday. I decided NOT to clean up either, as the "new" me would concentrate on what I needed to do which is care for DS.
Tuesday morning - 5am, DH leaves for airport. 6am - I get up and get DD ready for school. 7am - I get a call - DD's lift can't make it ! No problem ...... I'll do it, DS is awake anyway. (Traffic was a shocker back, by the way!) Get home - cleaning service can't make it !!
LONG day with kids. Tried to indulge them to keep them (and me) sane .. about to relax and make magrib salaah - I hear screams and cries. DD's nose is bleeding ! DS hit her in the face with a wooden toy!
Wednesday morning - take DD to school again, DS screams in the car all the way home.
Lady comes to clean - yeah !! Breathe, today will be a good day..... DS and I go out.
Great afternoon playing with the kids - yummy simple supper... bedtime. Kids dressed and ready to be tucked in ...... I put DS in first, walk around to DD's bed - BANG ! CREAK! crying ! I turn , DS is crying and has his hand on his forehead - he must have knocked it .... it's BLEEDING !!! There's a deep HOLE !! Blood is OOZING !! Breathe, breathe, apply pressure .. what ? what ? Call the GP - no answer .. what must I do - he needs stitches right ? Who am I talking to ? No one is here .. no one is HERE !!! Breathe, it's ok ... call dad ...... "Tell Marwaan to take you to the hospital" .. "Marwaan ? He's not here ....... {tears, crack, more tears}. (Ok, that's enough to give you the idea right ?)
OK, so how am I ? Frazzled! I have never felt more crap in my life .... I felt so guilty that he got hurt. I don't know why. I felt SOOO alone and helpless. (Thanks dad and sis for coming around though it REALLY helped.)
When I took DD to school this morning - I took the M5 home so took FOREVER ! DS fell asleep ALGAMDULILLAH (must be the medication), and thought about things .. about life, about now, about this "phase". It's SO hard for me. Algamdulillah DH has the new job, but he's around less, which gives me more to do. Algamdulillah for the lady who cleans my house - even though she has asthma and struggles to get up the hill to my house. Algamdulillah for my kids, but having to be on guard and play ref ALL day is so tiring and I just need a moment for my brain and my heart to rest and not feel guilty and worry that if I took that break, that something bad might happen to one of them.......

So what now ? I stay on the path ... I take a new turn, Insha'Allah one to I AM SHEBA .