Homeschooling with smallies

2015 - it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE !! I was going out of my mind, Having a 2 year old and 1 year old is a challlenge already. Feeding, nappies, naps NOTHING was co-ordinated so it was chaotic.
But by the end of 2015, Alhamdulillah there was almost too much independent spirit and too much helping themselves to feeding, nappies being taken off and scratching out drawers and cupboards.

So with my battle plan in hand, I KNEW what I had to do in 2016!! Keep them busy..... but with the heat waves, their sleeping times changed, their sleeping patterns changed, their naps changed, their eating times and what they wanted to eat changed and any "plan" I had was tossed.
DD2 thinks she is 8 (she is 3!) so expects to do EVERYTHING DS is doing. Don't give her "baby" work she wants a book, pencil, worksheet etc.  AND ....... different subjects ..... after evey activity I get a  "and next ? "
I think she ran through the entire selection of activities I had planned in the first few days !!

But it is not impossible to homeschool with smallies, it just can't be planned!

So after Fajr, DS does Quran. This morning since the house was quiet he completed Maths before breakfast. By the time the morning madness hit, he only had a few English worksheets to complete so I could see to their needs. And then we opted for ..... ART !!! Yes, fun messy art - everyone enjoys art !! DS wanted to upcycle some old tin cans so I introduced him to pinterest.   It was mostly great fun and more than enough paint and brushes to keep screaming to a minimum ....... but DD3 seems to be another DS in the making !!  

2016!!

Bwahaha I completed forgot I re-started blogging, until I came back to re-start blogging today !
To say my life is hectic is possibly an understatement ..... just tonight I had a splinter in my toe and I only managed to take it out 2 hours after discovering it was there !! No I am not THAT laid back. I felt the splinter just about the same time as DD2 wet herself (we are potty training), so I had to put her in the shower .... I was hoping that wetting my feet would help the splinter out. Before she was done, DD3 heard the water and came rushing in with a "Me TOO!", so I hurried to get done before DD3 opted to DIY. By the time that rush settled I had forgotten what I wanted to do and noticed the washing machine was done ...... Alhamdulillah the weather has been great so I hang in the evening and its pretty dry by the next morning. Mid-hang hubby announced he would be leaving for a last minute business meeting (*insert disappointed and tired face), so the rest of the evening was a rush, a blur and my best sheep-dog impression ushering my freshly washed kids off the dusty trampoline.
And ... that is why I only managed to take the splinter out now!

Let's recap 2015 ..... 4 kids + homeschooling ..... somewhat by choice, somewhat thrown into the deep end, Alhamdulillah survived!!

So I charged into 2016 ALOT more prepared, not as rested as I hoped, certainly not as energetic, but what can I expect since entering my 4th decade.

Whether it's their age or the fact that its more girls .... my creative side has resurfaced.( It was kinda dormant with DS as he was always so messy and ANY art activity would be a MAJOR cleanup of him and the area, not to mention the challenge of which to do first!)

I hope to share posts about our crafts as well as share some homeschool dramas ;-)

Duas that I actually remember this time that I am back to blogging ...... maybe I should put it on my calendar .......

oh yes.... I am back!

I have been blogging in the bathroom for ages .... well not actual blogging, just thoughts in my head, I just haven't been able to put it out there. 
Quick catch up - I now have 4 kids Alhamdulillah. Most days seeing to 4 kids in different phases is challenging. So the only alone time I have is in the bathroom ... not when i relieve myself..... as that has and probably always will be a group activity.... not when I brush my teeth.... as that is a "we" event too. The only time my brain gets to catch up with its thoughts is under the shower.... with the water sound loud enough to drown out any madness that may be happening outside the bathroom. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being at home with them 24-7-365, but my brain cannot function efficiently with them around! All day I get a request/comment/nag/complaint/cry/share-my-day/look-what-I-found and not necessarily one at a time. My kids love to challenge my already overtired brain by speaking at the same time as someone else while I am doing something.

erm.......yes so I am back....when I have a moment to type and if I can remember what I wanted to share.

CHORES!

I have been trying to get my kids to do chores since they were 3. I started with the reward chart - giving stickers. A few years later I moved to a voucher system through the guidance of creative motivations. That system worked well for a while, but it became so hard to manage. By then the kids were accustomed to doing chores, so asking them was the easy part .... GETTING them to do the chore was hard! They are in the eye-rolling, back-chatting and sighing phase. Every time I asked and was met with a negative reaction I just wanted to pile MORE chores on.

With 4 kids the amount of untidy compounds very quickly, so I needed the older two to step up and help out ... but without the micro-management.
During the summer holidays I started using chore monster.

At first it seemed boring - the kids had to log their chores, with each chore they get a spin to win a new monster. Interest peaked when they started winning different monsters, but as it is a game of chance it didn't keep their interest. Another aspect of the app is the rewards. I set up rewards which I wanted to give them - things that I felt they needed to work for. They put the effort in, but not enthusiastically and I still found myself reminding them to do the chores as well as logging that they had done it. Then things changed this week.... DS wanted something. I suggested he add it as a reward on chore monster. As it had a price I had to re-look at the point system I was using. Back in the day of stars, it was a star a chore. That understanding has stuck with me, but I realized I couldn't stick to that as some tasks were more work than others. So I changed the system, I assigned more realistic value to the work. Secondly, I upped the value of things I REALLY needed them to do. I once read that it takes 20-something days to create a habit, so I am willing to reward things to get it to habit status. And what an amazing week I had! DS was doing chores ALL day trying to earn points. I didn't have to ask, I certainly didn't have to remind him to log it and best of all he was doing tasks that wasn't on his list ;-) 

A Muslim Princess

I can't imagine why but I am still getting visitors to my page.
I do miss blogging, but life is busy Alhamdulillah.
So I might as well send you somewhere else ....
I wrote a children's book, so please pop around to the website or join the facebook fan page.
www.amuslimprincess.com

Arevaderce

As life settles down somewhat and DD settles in at her new school. New routines are created and as the days warm up, they are filled with more time spent outdoors.

For a while now I've wanted to stop blogging, but I suppose I've always felt I had one more thing to say or to vent about.
But Algamdulillah - this is it. It's been very therapeutic and thanks to the those who dropped by to read whatever I typed, and double thanks to those who left a comment.

So long, farewell and all the best.

Please keep us in your duahs

Love and Regards

Carimah

Reflections

As Ramadaan nears it's end, one can only reflect on the month .... but I had a few other reflections too .....

I read a few of my older posts, and the first thing that struck me was that it's still cold ! Last November I complained about no summer. I've been feeling that it's been a bit long that I've layered my clothing and I am not mistaken ! I think I need to move closer to the equator. Electricity restrictions doesn't go well with cold weather !

Secondly, DD has changed !! She is no longer a helpful little person in my life. DS still messes when he eats, but now he cleans too! Perhaps being helpful is a phase they go through.

Thirdly, I still can't keep a hand on a tidy house! I have a lady cleaning twice a week and a dishwasher. The level seems unchanged whether DD is home or not. All I can deduce is that DH's absence is giving me more, so I think it is time to delegate .....

Finally Ramadaan reflections..... all I can say is Algamdulillah that my heart aches that it is coming to an end.

Eid Mubarak everyone !

What's new ?!

So here's my "later" post.
DD was home and I didn't know what I was supposed to do with her!
It was all so sudden and feeling like DH dumped her education on me.
Algamdulillah a few good friends guided me and I did NOTHING ! I decided to slow things down. It was getting out of hand with her EXPECTING me to occupy her ALL day and the kind of things that DS couldn't partake in so that caused major upheaval.
But she wanted to be kept busy - so following Home schooling resources we created a lap book . How fantastic ! It's like scrap booking meets school projects ! Our theme was Ramadaan and I tried to keep it low key for her level. (Yes, I could take pictures and post them to show you, but I have a workshop and outreach iftaar tonite and have fruit platters to prepare after the workshop so I'm not going to.)
So the basics of what we covered for this lap book

• Ramadaan is the 9th month of the Islamic calendar
• phases of the moon
• do's and don'ts in Ramadaan
• Cave of Hira and revelation of Surah
• Laylatul Qadr
• Ramadaan Quizz
  
• Ramadaan Duas
• Eid maze
• Information about Eid

A few of these were found online at other blogs.

But as you have read in the other post I was so busy keeping her busy I didn't get time for me.
So I took charge - I really shouldn't - I should leave things for DH, but he's not efficient... or at least not efficient enough for me !
So I called up this Hifz school that a dear friend has been telling me about and I really liked the sales pitch. ( I say that as many people can sell a product, it's only once you use it do you agree or not. ) It's a big decision as the commitment comes from more than just the child. I prayed and prayed but didn't seem content. I then arranged to meet with another school. unfortunately I couldn't make the meeting and DH went. I arranged to meet at the school later that week so as I get more of a clue and I LOVED it ! I love the idea of learner centered and going at your own pace. But how would this all tie together ?
After more praying and more duahs it clicked. DD is 5 and "technically" only needs to be registered at school in 2011 when she is 7. That gives us a year's grace.
Insha'Alalh the plan is for her to attend the Hifz school. I am hoping to do a teaching program with HLL school and home school her during her hifz period. And then we'll take it from there.
So why is she at school now ?
The Hifz school requires her to do a 2 week assessment and once we decided on this plan we let her start immediately. And she LOVES it !
Algamdulillah

15th of Ramadaan

I can't believe it's half way already ! :-(
I decided to be different this year. Not set goals I couldn't achieve and beat myself up. It's been a tough few months and the past few weeks had more than enough change to throw me out of sync with schedules. I like my ducks in a row, but every now and then they can change direction.
For some or other reason I just couldn't find my Ramadaan groove. Having DD at home was great, I did alot with her - she did a wonderful Ramadaan lapbook (more on that next time). Having the 2 kids and the usual busy house schedule with DH coming home 10 minutes before iftar has been a challenge and tiring. Initially I tried doing taraweeg and tahajud and witr - but I felt exhausted. And would crash after Thur salaah. DD started school (more on that later ;-) ) and I thought freeing me up would help, but still not. This is my off time, and funny how it is, when you can't do something you want it more....
THAT's my groove - I usually have a 2 day break, but this month I'm onto 5 ! I MISS salaah, I WANT to read Quran, and I want to spend my time doing THAT. As disappointed as I felt that it's 5 days, I realise Allah's Wisdom in answering my duah to get the Ramadaan feeling. I have been going through the motions with loads of things - the kids, the house, ibaadah. And having the extended, unexpected break, jolted me and made me grateful. Insha'Allah now that I have realised the lesson - I can get back to partaking in the joys of the month!
If anyone else has been feeling off track - take advantage while you can.
I pray that I live to see another Ramadaan, so that I may continue to enjoy it's blessings.

Life lessons and big decisions

What a week ! I am so emotionally drained today! Well, I DID cry quite a bit. Some days it's not easy being a parent.
Let me take you through the long process that led me here.
Algamdulillah we decided we wanted DD to study the Quran full time. Though a simple enough decision, we had a few things to decide mainly WHEN. After chatting to NUMEROUS people this was our conclusion : she starts next year and includes academic studies. There aren't many places that offer it. Dh spoke to a few sheikhs and concluded that I do the academic syllabus and get a tutor for the Quran lessons. Everything was gong well. (Remember my post about BIG changes in our family ? ) She'd complete the rest of the year and I'd get a curriculum and find a tutor etc.
And then .... then the darn swine came ! H1N1 hit the school and we decided to keep her home. Personally I think DH enjoyed not having to travel to the school in the morning and battle with traffic back to work, and announced that we should keep her at home and start the program now. I was unsettled. I wasn't ready and felt confused. I don't like sudden changes that change almost everything! It has been an odd 10 days, one day I want her back at school and he doesn't, then he says ok she goes back and then I realise his point and decide to keep her. In all of this SHE was very confused! And THAT was the worst feeling for me ! She missed her classmates and even though she wanted this, she didn't know how to get both.
When making this decision, I thought the hardest thing I'd have to face is our parents, but after dealing with my, DD, and Dh's emotions, dealing with my dad was easy!
By this morning I was still unsure. Yes we had decided to keep her home and there seemed to be hurdles in the path - like with any decision. We decided to contact the school - Aasiyah had a few things there and wanted to collect them. I think I was more emotional than her. We chatted to the teachers and a few of her classmates, but she was great. She seemed to have found her contentment with the decision Algamdulillah.
Someone commented recently : what can we learn from children ? We can learn about LIFE in it's purest form!
May Allah guide us on this path. May our intentions stay pure and solely to win His pleasure. Aameen.

Some more advertising

OK, so I know I said I probably won't be blogging before Ramadaan, but things change. Like the outbreak of H1N1 at DD's school. If that was a test of faith, I failed - I very quickly opted to keep her home rather. Having a healthy kid at home for a few days is better than a sick kid for 2 weeks!
But that's another story - my house cleaning saga continues!
I thought I had settled on good enough, but I suppose after a few weeks of the same dust bunnies hoping around my house, I got fed up. So I got rid of yet another domestic worker. I decided to commit to an agency - yes it's more pricey, but definitely value for money!
Nadia, has her own agency called The Dream Team. If you want her number you'll have to mail me. Today was the second time I had one of her cleaners at my house, my home is "show house" quality clean!
Now let me give you an idea of all previous workers. On day one at my house they complete ALL tasks around 5pm. After a few weeks they slowly drop to 3pm and then 2pm. I'm a get-done-and-leave kinda employer. The Dream team, worked from 8:15 to 12:15 just in the bedrooms ! She left at 6pm and that didn't include ironing! She was THAT thorough! She is the FLYLADY!! She did everything that I would spread out over weeks - like wiping down walls, and dusting door frames!
Basically, even at this rate, if she slacked, it would still be an outstanding clean!
Algamdulillah

More Nostalgia

We spent the weekend at Leopard Trail. It's a farm just outside Bonnievale, near Robertson. A little more than 2 hours outside of Cape Town. We stayed in a 6 bedroom house and it was HUGE! After getting lost and confused, I eventually drew a map to get my head around what was going on. The house was built in the 1930's around the same time as my home, so there were many similarities with regards to the old feel of the house. The difference being that THIS house, had the furniture too! The kitchen , which is generally the heart of the home, was the most nostalgic for us. The old style kitchen table and chairs - fake wood look with metal structure. We competed in whose granny had that set in their house! The classic wooden display cabinet with sliding glass - very cottage style. And of course all wood has been painted! But this picture/photo of vegetables was the draw card for us - we stood staring at it as if it was a Rembrandt ! It looked familiar, but I couldn't place where I had seen it. But not just seen it - knew it, grew up with it. It was part of my history. Undecided whether it was my granny's place or auntie or a local corner shop, after further discussion, it seems EVERYONE had a relative with that picture up in their house! So it might just be that.
So we are at this farm, and they have farm animals and fruit trees. Fruit being one of their main produce, as well as milk. So on arrival we received a jug of FRESH cow milk! We were all a bit hesitant at first. The idea seemed as odd as drinking milk from a cat! Eventually I gave in and decided to take a gulp (with my nose closed and trying not to focus on the cream layer on top or fat content) - what a moment! It was like a taste bud flash back ! THIS is what milk tastes like ! I know this taste! My fat free version is but cream/white water in comparison. I indulged the first day int his gift of Allah, surely something so tasty could not be harmful. But after a mug full the next morning, guilt and fake heart pains made me "versak". I look forward to the days when I can indulge in the rivers of milk and honey.
We did our trip to town and found the dairy factory shop so got our stock of cheeeeeeeese, milk (fat free) and ice cream. A quick detour to a farmers market then back to the farm in time to see the cows being milked. The kids LOVED it! I think the best part was seeing calves. They are gorgeous! DS was fascinated by everything; tongues, licking, cows, milk. And he smelled like it too!
We haven't been 4x4ing a while, so we had to squeeze it in for old times sake. The route was basic. A few slopes here and there, but nothing a Toyota can't handle. Had the path been wet or the river full, it might have been more interesting. But all in all I think we have out grown "because we can" and are more at "to get where we need to go". To me doing rough routes is simply the way to explore what we need to.
3 dams on the farm, made for a fun afternoon for the kids. There were boats, canoes and mud - so I think it catered for all ages ;-)

So what's my review? I'd make this a permanent holiday house !
The size was perfect for all of us and there was plenty to entertain the kids.
The campsite didn't look too bad. The shower works with a donkey, and I've never been a fan of that. But the shade, dams and lapa could make it a great spot if not crowded.

(I wanted to post a few pics but I changed my operating system and having issues with uploading. Sorry)

Mosaics and 3D pictures

Do you recall a few years ago (ok, maybe more than a few, perhaps more than 10 years ago), Cardies and Get Graphic sold these 3D pictures. You had to stare at them and relax your eyes before you saw the picture.

Do you know those moments in your life where everything seems like an odd piece of a puzzle that doesn't fit and then a little while (or alot depending on the number of pieces in your puzzle) you stand back and you see the picture that the pieces made, like a mosaic.

Tonight, in the still and quiet of the night I had such a moment. A moment of mental peace, which allowed me to relax my eyes, to stand back and view the picture.

The past few months have felt odd, like disjointed bits of a 3D puzzle! I felt completely out of sorts with my life. But the gale wind that blew my life upside down, was not without purpose. Sometimes it needs to be that strong, to fight against my stubborn nature, or to guide to a new, better path, or to take us off the course we are heading. Either way, when it blows, just relax your eyes and let go. Let it take you where you need to go. I stumbled across a few rocks for support, some where used just to get my balance, others were like ropes guiding me, supporting me when I needed it Algamdulillah. But ultimately it's to prepare me for a new path. Insha'Allah a better path.

Welcome August !

As'salaam'alaykum!

Hello to Dublin, Brunei, Blackburn and Uitenhage! Hello to all the others as well - who are you ? Say hello ! Uitenhage, do I know you ?

So I had a good weekend Algamdulillah.
It started when I received my new Monasib tracksuit. It's so pretty and comfy. I had just about given up buying clothing from a store as I am not an amoeba or reptile that could slink into clothing ! But THIS, fit me like a glove !! The pants, was not too tight at the thighs, not a hipster and didn't have to be shortened at the bottom!! So I look forward to saving my money and getting more items from Monasib Insha'Allah. It is an online store, so please support her if you can.
Saturday morning, dressed in my tracksuit I joined the 2nd part of the Spiritual Retreat in preparation for Ramadaan. I wasn't there long but managed to extract alot. I made some wonderful connections with wonderful ladies. Though I didn't participate much in the Ramadaan planning, it was good to just be able to voice my intentions and make it "real". See Quran Surah 2 verse 183 - 185.
We also did a pilates class with a physio. I had done MANY pilates classes but this one was one of the best ! I have never felt my muscles working and had so much pain after!
Today was special - DH and I had a date ! We attended IRF fundraiser. It always feels so odd being out without the kids. Riaad Moosa was hysterical as the MC and Zain Bhika was truly amazing to listen to. The drummer on the duff (?) was very good - reminds me to look into Drumming as an extra-mural ! But the highlight moment for me was when 5 orphan girls came out and sand "My mum is amazing!" From the moment I heard what song it was, I felt teary - by the time the song ended the tears just ran down my cheeks!
I doubt I'll be blogging for a while - I hope to make the most out of every moment in Ramadaan Insha'Allah.
I wish you all a good month, may your taqwa and imaan increase and may you sustain it afterwards Insha'Allah

Thes BEST 3 weeks ever!

Tomorrow is the last day of the school holidays..... and I am sad. These past 3 weeks have been my best this year Algamdulilah. I've been doing alot of knowledge expanding as a person, as a wife and as a mother. Most has been put into practise these last 3 weeks and it has made my life easier.
Firstly, all the "plans" I had for the time DD would be at home, I threw out - we'll wing it. DD has had a hard 6 months, adjusting to school, having to get up early, discipline, behaviour, work etc. So she needs a break. And BOY did she get it.
Everyday we got up late - well she did, I still got up at 6, it's habit now.
Breakfast happened when we felt and had whatever we felt like. Some days we only dressed after lunch, others not at all. We went out when we could and played and did some art. The easy going tone was refreshing.
Secondly, I started to parent positively. Following a course I found on FB, I have been changing the way I deal with the kids and it has made a BIG impact on our lives. Spending just a few minutes everyday with them has calmed them down. They now spend more time playing alone or with each other !! Training them to do things has also been one of our greatest achievements ! Family contributions in the form of helping with laundry, dishes, beds etc. It spreads the load that I usually carry on myself! Domestic worker number .... 5, didn't pitch, but it was ok, as we had a system going. Number 6 now works only twice a week. The kids just call her aunty - as they can't keep up with the frequent changes of ladies.
Thirdly, some BIG family decisions have been made. DD wants more siblings - but it's not that !
I'll blog as these come into play Insha'Allah.
Keep us in your duahs.

Thank you

Though outside of this world of blogging, this might seem trivial, but receiving this award means alot to me. As you know I am never sure if anyone is ever reading my rants and raves. Just last week I considered stopping and removing all posts of a personal nature.
So a sincere thank you to My Hijab

And now I pass the award on to the following bloggers :

1. Laughing out Loud - for making me laugh til I fall of my chair !

2. Fragrant Rose - for the constant inspiration

3. Stranger in this Dunya - for her outstanding photography

4. Cape Town Revert Forum - for her reporting and food for thought topics

5. My islamic short stories - because I enjoy them so much.

9 years

9 years ago my mommy died (May Allah have mercy on her soul and grant her Jannah Insha'Allah). In these 9 years, I have never earmarked the day. Honestly, I have to check the exact date as I do not have it memorised. Some find that odd, maybe even cold, but for me, that day does not define her.

Being the youngest of 3, and hence the last to attend school, I think I spent the most "alone" time with mommy. I loved our tea-times and lunch times. It was nothing special - not a party or anything, just a fond memory. As was walking in the city, holding her hand. She had the softest touch and the loveliest fingers. I can feel her touch over my head when I am ill, I can feel the rare slap when I was disrespectful. My days are filled with reminders of her as I spend time with my kids. But with each year, the memories reduce, or I think about her less. I pray that whatever good I do or am rewarded for doing in this life, she, as my mother gets part of as well Insha'Allah.

9 years ago ........ It's a bitter sweet memory. I lost the most important person in my life without knowing it until she was gone. But I found the most important One, my Creator, Allah. It's been 9 years since I whole-hearted submitted, covering up and striving to be the best servant and aiming on the promised rewards. For those who haven't embarked on the journey yet - it's not just about wearing a scarf or dressing modestly, it is so much more. The journey of knowledge is endless. But even with all the outward changes and appropriate sayings and actions, the growth gets deeper.
DH had always had a shadow of wisdom I couldn't quite place. It was rare and happened only at the most opportune times. It seems so out of character for him that sometimes he seems surprised himself with what he says. Tonite I realised the wisdom in his words: Islam is not just about the outside, but as much (if not more) about the inside (character).
Perhaps, this night, 9 years later, marks my graduation to a newer, deeper understanding ......
Insha'Allah

12:30pm

For those who are not part of the pick-your-kid-up-in-the-middle-of-the-day club , wait til you get there !

Today was the first day of mid-year break and it was fabulous! Yes, the kids were up before the sun, but there wasn't the usual rush of trying to get cleaned, fed and dressed. However, we still managed to be cleaned, fed and dressed by 9am! But the best part of the day was at 12pm. There was no rush to be somewhere, no rush to complete a task, or thought about starting a task that might run beyond 12pm. As 12pm is generally when I leave home to fetch DD at school. My pre-programmed brain clicked at 11:45, and I realised I had TIME ! Time I don't usually have and I spent it .... with my kids. (Thanks to http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/) I gave them each 10 minutes alone. DS wanted to play with some colourful shapes. DD wanted to play with her fairy dolls. And at the end, there was still some time left over for me ..... I spun around the kitchen trying to figure out what to do with MY time ..... laundry ? start lunch ? NO! I did TAEBO 8 min workout !

Today was a good day ...... Algamdulillah

Lost and found

The problem with knowing who you are is that when you "lose yourself" you know who you are missing ...... you know WHAT you are missing and it makes the battle even harder.
I'm constantly caught between the battle of "real" job and SAHM. I know it is a real job being at home, but the lack of response in the position, makes me feel unappreciated. As if earning a living would make me more worthy.
So once again I embarked on trying to find "a job". Reading extracts from I am Sheba gave me the boost I needed to set a goal and try to achieve it. This one was different to the others, it required me to do a personality test, which I had to pay for. I was reluctant, but curious. Curiosity got the better of me when I was presented with a discounted price for the report.
I didn't really find out anything new about me - like I said, I already knew me. But a few things were made clearer and the big smack on my head came at just the right moment.
Mostly, it opened up dialogue between me and DH, perhaps HE needed to understand me more than I did.
Ironically, I am currently in the worst working environment for my personality type! I thrive on order, logic, structure - and DS is all chaos and confusion for me ! (If he chokes once more I might have an anxiety attack!) Somehow it helps knowing that. Knowing that when I freak out at things, it is because it is against what I am programmed to control.

Perhaps these moments which seem the darkest, are the ones which determine a significant path. And time spent in reflection makes light at the end of the tunnel ......
Or it's just my personality type to over analyse everystep before taking it !
Either way, it's my journey and I have the best first mate for the trip. One who thrives in chaos ..... DH !

Pussycat, pussycat where have you been ?

I wish I could say "I've been to London to visit the queen", but no I've been busy.
With what ? Just trying to survive life I guess. The past few weeks have just been emotionally draining on me. My constant struggle with housework and finding someone to do it. (It's shocking how many odd people there are out there !) Then the battle of looking after the kids. (And yes, I only have two ... but you know what, those who can handle more, get more. And I think 2 is my limit.... at least THESE two! )
It's been taxing on my body, on my mind and my soul. All of which threw me into a BIG pity party! And those who know me, know that I do not throw those kinds of parties! From my mum's illness then death, to my infertility and other issues, I've never felt self-pity Algamdulillah. But these past few weeks, had me so down ...
My body ached and I needed to get physio or a massage - I had no one to look after the kids at the times available.
My mind has slowly deteriorated simply due to the lack of stimulation !
My soul - my soul ached. It knew the sweet taste of submission, pure submission, not this half-hearted act while distracted by kids!
I knew the cure but was wallowing so deeply in the pity, I couldn't get myself to do anything. (The cold weather didn't help either) Then Algamdulillah I had this moment - don't recall when or what it was, not really important - but I decided to be selfish, not horrible selfish, just enough to take care of me.
First was a wonderful day out with my sisters (blood ones) - had back and foot massages which were heavenly. Then late lunch or early supper of sushi ! It was good! DD was with, but it was good. That just got me started! It was like having a piece of exotic chocolate and you need another piece !
There were hurdles along my path of progress, but by this week I felt I was out of the bog! When DH said he needed to be away for 2 nights for work, I was cool. I'd take charge. I arranged for DD to get a lift in the mornings. Suppers would be simple and I'd prep lunch in the evening.
And slowly it started to unravel.....
Monday , no one came to clean my house. No problem - I'll call the service for Tuesday. I decided NOT to clean up either, as the "new" me would concentrate on what I needed to do which is care for DS.
Tuesday morning - 5am, DH leaves for airport. 6am - I get up and get DD ready for school. 7am - I get a call - DD's lift can't make it ! No problem ...... I'll do it, DS is awake anyway. (Traffic was a shocker back, by the way!) Get home - cleaning service can't make it !!
LONG day with kids. Tried to indulge them to keep them (and me) sane .. about to relax and make magrib salaah - I hear screams and cries. DD's nose is bleeding ! DS hit her in the face with a wooden toy!
Wednesday morning - take DD to school again, DS screams in the car all the way home.
Lady comes to clean - yeah !! Breathe, today will be a good day..... DS and I go out.
Great afternoon playing with the kids - yummy simple supper... bedtime. Kids dressed and ready to be tucked in ...... I put DS in first, walk around to DD's bed - BANG ! CREAK! crying ! I turn , DS is crying and has his hand on his forehead - he must have knocked it .... it's BLEEDING !!! There's a deep HOLE !! Blood is OOZING !! Breathe, breathe, apply pressure .. what ? what ? Call the GP - no answer .. what must I do - he needs stitches right ? Who am I talking to ? No one is here .. no one is HERE !!! Breathe, it's ok ... call dad ...... "Tell Marwaan to take you to the hospital" .. "Marwaan ? He's not here ....... {tears, crack, more tears}. (Ok, that's enough to give you the idea right ?)
OK, so how am I ? Frazzled! I have never felt more crap in my life .... I felt so guilty that he got hurt. I don't know why. I felt SOOO alone and helpless. (Thanks dad and sis for coming around though it REALLY helped.)
When I took DD to school this morning - I took the M5 home so took FOREVER ! DS fell asleep ALGAMDULILLAH (must be the medication), and thought about things .. about life, about now, about this "phase". It's SO hard for me. Algamdulillah DH has the new job, but he's around less, which gives me more to do. Algamdulillah for the lady who cleans my house - even though she has asthma and struggles to get up the hill to my house. Algamdulillah for my kids, but having to be on guard and play ref ALL day is so tiring and I just need a moment for my brain and my heart to rest and not feel guilty and worry that if I took that break, that something bad might happen to one of them.......

So what now ? I stay on the path ... I take a new turn, Insha'Allah one to I AM SHEBA .